The 30 Funniest Andy Bernard Quotes

While the Nard Dog definitely divides opinion among Office fans, there’s no denying that he also had some golden moments on the show. Whether it was his long-running confusion over his sexuality (Michael, am I gay??), his desire to get into the exclusive Finer Things Club or his penchant to punch through walls – he provided us with a number of good laughs over the years.

If you’re looking for the best collection of quotes from Cornell’s most eligible bachelor then look further. Here are 30 of Andy Bernard’s funniest quotes:

  1. What I wouldn’t give for one of Phyllis’s classic room clearing farts right now.
  2. I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.
  3. You’re the deuce I never wanna drop.
  4. Oh, it’s on. Like a prawn who yawns at dawn.
  5. I did this for the little guy. For Joe Six-pack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his $400 a month apartment, wonders how he’s going to pay his mortgage; wonders how he’s going to fill his car up with oil; wonders “How am I going to pay my kids’ orphanage bills?” That guy shouldn’t have to wonder where he’s going to park.
  1. I’m a little worried that I may have asked out Naughty Nelly instead of Erin. Which would be whole lot less appealing, because Naughty Nelly says yes to everyone. And she might be a murderer
  2. William Doolittle at your service. A.K.A. Will Do.
  3. How do I find out if a girl is interested? Great question. I usually just assume that they’re not.
  4. If I had to put Dwight’s chances into a percentage, I would say he has none percent chance.
  5. I’m the Nard-Dog. The Nard-Man is my father.
  1. I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days, before you actually left them.
  2. Andrew Bernard doesn’t lose contests, he wins them… or he quits them for being unfair.
  3. Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It’s so powerful, even a lot of men can’t resist a man singing show tunes.
  5. Shut up Dad. I’m taller than you!
  1. You can’t let a girl feel good about herself. It will backfire on you. Every compliment has to be backhanded. ‘Oh I like your dress, but I’d like it more if you had prettier hair.’
  2. Michael, am I gay?
  3. I’m petrified of nipple chafing. One it starts, it’s a vicious circle. You have sensitive nipples, they chafe, so they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. It’s a tough one. Gotta take precautions.
  4. Sorry I annoyed you with my FRIENDSHIP!
  5. Toby, it’s a joke. How are you not murdered every hour?
  1. Yeah so life gives you lemons and you just have to eat them rinds and all. And if you don’t want to eat them your ex girlfriend will shove them down your throat with the help of her hunky new boyfriend.
  2. You give me a gift? Bam! Thank You note. You invite me somewhere? Pow! RSVP. You do me a favor? Wham! Favor returned. Do not test my politeness.
  3. In my family, we don’t really go out and get things. We put them on a list and Rosa goes and gets them.
  4. He may have won the battle but I… will win the next battle.
  5. It’s gotta rhyme with “piece.” Fancy Feast! Break me off a piece of that Fancy Feast!
  1. I’ll be the number-two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I’m always thinking one step ahead. Like a… carpenter… that makes stairs.
  2. Every little boy fantasizes about his fairytale wedding.
  3. I’m not Rumpelstiltskin Jim. I can’t keep spinning gold out of your shit!
  4. Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know? Cut-your-throat-to-get-ahead type of guy. But, I mean, I’m not threatened by him. I went to Cornell. Ever heard of it? I graduated in four years, I never studied once, I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the acapella group, ‘Here Comes Treble’.
  5. I’m always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs.

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